Scarlet Letter - Infidelity - Part Three of Four

Scarlet letter-letters to Ann Landers

I used to collect interesting advice columnists answers to questions sent in (Dear Abby and Ann Landers etc). As their daughters took over their gigs and as time has passed I have found that I rarely read them for the questions and answers are too liberal for my liking.

But here are two from my archives:

Dear Ann: “His Wife in Maryland” had a solution to the problem of infidelity – a common one – blame the Other Woman. This scenario is played out frequently on daytime talk shows. The wronged wife tears her hair and screams at the Other Woman. The husband sits there like the moron that he is and says absolutely nothing while they fight over him.

I find this extremely troublesome. These cheated-on wives should stop blaming the Other Woman. They are not the problem. She is the symptom of a troubled marriage. If a husband is having an affair the wife should look at herself and her husband and find out what went wrong with their marriage. The best way to do this is by talking with a marriage counselor. – Voice of Experience

Dear Voice: I hear you loud and clear. I hope others will, too. You make a lot of sense.
July 7, 1997 Ann Landers

Dear Ann: You have printed many letters about extra marital affairs; here are some things your readers should be aware of:

*About half the men and about a third of the women who are cheating say they are perfectly content and there is nothing wrong with their marriage.

*Being religious does not prevent infidelity.

*Women are as willing as men to have an affair

*Fewer than 10 percent of those having an affair will divorce their spouses to marry their lovers. A large percentage of those who do often have another divorce.

*People who have affairs are more likely to be divorced, distressed and disappointed.

*The chemistry that drives an affair lasts anywhere from a few weeks to three years before it cools down.

Infidelity can happen to anyone. Here are a few tips for your readers to affair proof their marriage. I call it them “the four P’s” for prevention:

*Be protective of your marriage. Avoid risky situations such as long lunches with a co-worker or drinks for two after work. Most people don’t plan on being unfaithful.

*Be positive. Look for what is right in your spouse, and tell him or her daily. People who have love affairs are often looking for appreciation and affirmation.

*Be polite. Always talk with your spouse with respect. Be careful what you say to each other and how you say it. Show courtesy and caring in the way you treat each other.

*Be playful, and make fun, sex and humor a mainstay of your marriage. Schedule times to play with one another, and have a “date night“ at least once a week.

Marriages can and do survive affairs, and many become stronger having weathered the crisis but not without pain and a genuine desire to recommit. – L.S. Ph.D., Seattle

Dear Seattle: thanks for a good letter. Your suggestions for “affair proofing” marriages were especially useful. I am glad you wrote.
October 4, 1997 Ann Landers